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Helping Family and Friends Through a Divorce10/18/2013 ***The following is adapted from my recent presentation at Elevate 2013, a Spiritual Enrichment Workshop hosted by Heritage Christian University in Florence, Alabama. All of the lessons from the workshop will be available in a couple of weeks at HCU’s website (www.hcu.edu).*** I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a part of Elevate 2013 here at Heritage Christian University. I believe that this year’s theme, “The Spiritual and the Sexual,” is particularly relevant for the Lord’s church and for our society. Our focus today is “Helping Family and Friends through a Divorce.” Before we get to that, I just want to make it clear that I’m a big believer in marriage and that I try everything possible to help people remain married. Chris August’s song Restore captures the problem in today’s world about marriages falling apart: Nobody's growing old together, we've made it easy just to quit Love has become a negative percentage, why do we bother to commit We've got a long list of excuses, ways we try to justify Well, I propose to you the truth is, marriage does not have to die I know you're feeling like it’s falling apart and it can't go on anymore But God is a God who knows how to heal so just give it up to the Lord And He will restore. The Bible teaches that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16); however, the Bible also teaches that God loves those who have been divorced (John 4:1-26). As much as we strive to restore the sanctity of marriage and as much as we strive to teach others about what the Bible says about marriage, divorce, and remarriage, the reality is that many people will still be impacted by divorce in some form or fashion. With all of that said, I have come up with a list of 20 items that may be helpful to you or someone you know who is going through a divorce (If you have questions or comments about anything on this list, let me know.). 1. Pray, pray, and then pray some more. 2. Read the Bible every day (Ephesians, Philippians, James, etc.). 3. Keep going to church. 4. Make an appointment with a licensed, Christian counselor. 5. Go to the doctor. 6. Eat healthy (even if you have too little or too much of an appetite). 7. Exercise every day or at least 3 times a week. 8. Write in a journal every day. 9. Don’t do anything drastic (i.e. quitting your job, pulling the kids out of school, etc.). 10. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. 11. Stay away from pornography. 12. Pay close attention to bank accounts and credit cards. 13. Figure out something that you enjoy and do it. 14. Be cautious with social media. 15. Spend a lot of time with others as opposed to being by yourself all the time. 16. During the separation, don't hang out 1 on 1 with anyone of the opposite sex. 17. Get legal advice from an attorney. 18. In cases of infidelity, save everything. (You will probably need these items during the legal process, and it will help you keep a clean conscience in the future if you decide to remarry.) 19. Consider a custody mediation instead of a custody evaluation. 20. Establish a co-parenting plan with the children’s best interest in mind. As we close, here are a few words of encouragement from the Bible… Joshua 1:9… Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Romans 12:17-18, 21… Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. My life purpose is to connect others to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out on spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels. -- Eric
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Herman
10/18/2013 09:17:11 am
Very good advice, especially items 19 and 20. Pray, pray and pray more is always good as well.
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Eric Dishongh
10/22/2013 06:09:55 am
Thanks, Big Herm!
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Dorothy Wood
10/18/2013 12:38:19 pm
Sounds like good advice for a couple having trouble,but I have been
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Eric Dishongh
10/22/2013 06:10:56 am
63 years is absolutely awesome! What a great example!
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Phillip Nuernberger
10/18/2013 03:25:14 pm
In the culture we live in, facing this issue is more than relevant, as pointed out. Having been thru a divorce, I can assure everyone that being willing to follow Jesus through the process is great advice! So, staying active in your congregation, journal writing in connection with Scripture study, and prayer are extremely valuable. This list is most excellent because it includes many other well rounded pieces of great advice. More than anything, people need good and godly friends to stand with them as they go through this process. It is most hurtful to be treated like a leper. Thankfully I had many friends who held my hand and even my heart at times during it. The sense of hopelessness can at times be most overwhelming. THANKS ERIC!
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Eric Dishongh
10/22/2013 06:11:57 am
Thanks for the reflection, Phil!
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Matt Allison
10/19/2013 02:07:26 am
I also think there's a lot of good advice in the list of 20 items. I have a question about number 4 - what is a licensed Christian counselor? Is that a mental health professional who is a Christian (i.e. I'm an LPC) or is it a separate designation? Another thought I would add to the list is to not talk negatively about the other spouse in front of the children and to not fish for information from them. It kind of goes with #20, but should be noted because a co-parenting plan doesn't always happen at the beginning of the process.
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Eric Dishongh
10/22/2013 06:16:15 am
Matt... It's not a separate designation. I was thinking of a licensed counselor who has an appreciation for the Christian worldview. Although, the American Association of Christian Counselors does have a few types of certifications that they offer. You also make a good point about the negative interaction among parents. I don't think that most parents have any idea about how much emotional damage is being done to the children, especially when they triangulate the children as a way of communicating to the other spouse and when the children are utilized as a manipulative tool to get what is wanted. The emphasis of "best interests of the child" needs to occur all along and not just at the very end.
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10/19/2013 07:16:41 am
Eric, it is a great article. In confusion and angst, a checklist is a superb way to manage one's drop in IQ under stress. #1-3 will keep you in balance. I had 3 divorces between 19 and 27, stayed single until I married Jim Webb, now 26 years ago. I did the Course in Miracles through every divorce. And still do it now, every few years. Gail
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Eric Dishongh
10/22/2013 06:16:48 am
Thanks for the reflection, Gail!
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Justine Mapes
10/19/2013 06:10:21 pm
I am so glad I set time to read this. I am not divorced, but am in a very similar situation, Sharing a child with an ex-fiancé who has been absent most of his life. It is true that people have made it easy to quit. This is a great list. I am currently in the process of trying not to return evil with evil, if that makes any sense. More or less, return kindness with every harsh thing my former spouse tries to put our family through. It is incredibly unfair, hard, and scary. But your list, esp. your quotes really helped to bring calmness to my thoughts and actions.
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Eric Dishongh
10/22/2013 06:17:23 am
Thanks for the reflection, Justine!
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Louis White
10/23/2013 04:06:50 am
Unfortunately for me it is timely advice, yet also fortunate that I have it.
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