I Need Your Help: How Do People Change?

Eric Dishongh, PhD

Connecting others to Jesus and His church as a husband, dad, minister, counselor, professor and friend

I Need Your Help: How Do People Change?

8/16/2013

About a year ago, I conducted an informal survey via Facebook on the following question: Why DON'T people change despite knowing that it would be in their best interest? I appreciated all of the great responses!

At the present moment, I would like to pose a similar, yet much different, question: How DO people change knowing that it is in their best interest? In other words, how do they work through fear, resistance, apathy, rationalizations, ambivalence, laziness, etc.?

Please post your reply on the blog or Facebook or Twitter.

Thanks in advance for your help!

20 Comments

Glen

8/16/2013 08:13:54 am

Eric there are many ways that a person can change .So here are a few right off the top of my head .You can change by not hanging around people that you use to hang with ,by getting rid of old habits smoking,drinking,drugs fighting, or cursing.Or you can just do things that you have never done before or go places that you have never been.

Don

8/16/2013 09:15:36 am

Their innate need to not let God down is stronger than their learned desires to give into fear, resistance, apathy, rationalizations, ambivalence, laziness, etc. All human beings have moments of fear, resistance, apathy, rationalizations, ambivalence, laziness, etc. but those who have once obeyed the gospel and who continue to change hang on to their obligation to Jesus' sacrifice for them.

Pat Sue McReynolds

8/16/2013 09:15:45 am

I think changing things about yourself takes prayers and discipline. And this is what I have learned: You can change no one's behavior except your own.

kirk

8/16/2013 09:24:07 am

Normally out fear,they must see how important it is too make a change. Support from other can help, but the change must be really wanted. When they fall the person who has been there in the past cannot turn their back on them. Hug to show that we love them.

Lynnette Dillon

8/16/2013 10:09:05 am

Eric I really think that in order to make a change you gotta want to change. Prayers and from others and yourself after you make that change continually help you to stay changed. You changed and you recognize that with God's help and others you can keep going in a positive direction.. The main thing is you need God in your life you got to want to make a change .. In religion if you're in the wrong religion and you want to change you gotta want to do it to remain faithful in the Lord. :-)

VICTORIA

8/16/2013 10:52:27 am

ERIC, A TRANSFORMATION COMES INTO MANY OF OUR LIVES THROUGH TRIALS/TRIBULATIONS & SITUATIONS/CIRCUMSTANCES {DIRECTLY/INDIRECTLY} AND WE REALIZE THAT WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS LIFE ON OUR OWN..... FOR THE BIBLE SAYS THAT OUR TRIALS COME ONLY TO MAKE US STRONG. I KNOW THAT MY GROWTH HAS COME WHEN I WAS FACED WITH AN OBSTACLE AND/OR CHALLENGE--PRAISE GOD WHEN HE DELIVERED ME & I WAS NO LONGER THE SAME. IN THE BOOK OF PROVERBS THE PARABLE GIVES A COMPARISON TO WALKING BACK INTO YOUR SAME OLD WAYS AS TO A DOG RETURNING TO EAT HIS VOMIT'...IF THIS ISN'T A WAKE UP CALL TO THE MANY WHO PRAY FOR GOD DELIVERANCE OR HEALING OR HELP DURING TROUBLE TIMES, GO TO CHURCH FOR PRAYERS AND SPEAK OF GOD--HOWEVER, TURN BACK TO ENGAGE IN A WAY NOT PLEASING TO THE LORD. SO, SO MANY TREAD A THIN LINE OF PROCLAIMING TO BE HEAVEN BOUND & ENGAGING IN NO EARTHLY GOOD. SO WE SAY TO THEM, ' YOU JUST PURGED YOUR BODY OF THE WORLDS VAIN GOODS. HMMM!! BUT, BUT --YOU REMEMBERED YOU LIKED SOME OF IT ---SO YOU REACHED BACK DOWN AND SIPPED IT BACK UP AGAIN---JUST TO SEE IF IT TASTE THE SAME....IT'S A FAMILIAR WAY-ALTHOUGH IT'S THE WRONG WAY!!!!
TO TRULY CHANGE--THERE MUST BE AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT. I LOVE IT WHEN PAUL REALIZES THAT 'HIS WAYS AND HIS THOUGHTS ARE NOT ALWAYS LINED UP WITH THE LORD--ALTHOUGH, HE WAS A TRUE SERVANT; NEVERTHELESS, ALL THE MORE HE MUST STILL FIGHT THE FIGHT EVERYDAY. FOR WE MUST PUT ON THE WHOLE ARMOUR OF GOD. II PETER SAYS IT BEST, 'FOR IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR THEM TO HAVE NEVER KNOWN THE WAY OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAN AFTER KNOWING IT TURN BACK FROM THE LORD.........SO, THE QUESTION IS "HOW DO PEOPLE CHANGE? WELL, BY FAITH-LOOKING UNTO THE HILLS FROM WHENCE COMETH THEIR HELP FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP COMETH FROM THE LORD WHICH MADE HEAVEN AND EARTH. ERIC, YOU AND I KNOW THAT MANY OF MANKIND LEAP BACK INTO THE FOES OF THIS WICKED WORLD AS SOON AS CIRCUMSTANCES COME OUR WAY RATHER THAN STANDING ON HIS PROMISES AND CALLING UPON THE NAME OF JESUS. FOR AT THE NAME OF JESUS EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW AND EVERY TONGUE SHALL CONFESS THAT HE IS LORD---YOU BETTER KNOW !!!! SO TO CHANGE YOU MUST TRUST HIM IN THE GOOD TIMES; MOREOVER, STILL KNOW THAT HE IS THERE IN THE BAD TIMES......

Beverly

8/16/2013 12:49:54 pm

People react to change differently depending on the current circumstances. Most people do not like change and they fight it. At my work we recently we changed to a new dining program and it caused people to do their job differently and it was difficult to get them to buy into our program. We had to stay on them and encourage and finally say this is the way it's going to be. They felt if they pushed back we would cave and go back to the old way of doing things. Some people do not see the need for change if its working ok why change, "we've done it this way for twenty years". Some people are scared of change literally terrified and some people just can't do things a new way. It's these people that you have to have them in on the planning stage let them thing it was their idea. When they succeed we all succeed! Some are just stubborn and refuse to change. Some people cannot handle change and may quit whatever the change is. Then you have those people who thrive on change and use the change to better themselves. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of this survey!!

Tommy

8/16/2013 02:13:04 pm

I think Don nailed it. Changing behavior is relatively simple in the short term…just stop doing what you don't want to do. What is ultimately more important is changing your brain & heart, and understanding that you can't do this alone…..and that God is ready and waiting, and simply only needs to be asked. Know that the Will of God never takes one to where the Grace of God will not protect him.

Janie

8/16/2013 02:39:47 pm

Having left God's perfect path for my life in my early 20's I know for certain that people CAN NOT change without finding their way back to HIS path. He lets us make choices that often cause us to stray off His path and wander aimlessly in sin and in the ways of the world. Only when we are ready to put Jesus as the cornerstone of our daily existence can we change. God then blesses us with a close personal relationship and only through His mercy and grace can man achieve change.

Jessica Breidinger

8/16/2013 02:48:57 pm

People change, this is a fact. There are many factors related to how people change. These factors have to do with our thoughts, our behaviors, our actions, and our relationships. I believe purposeful change comes from a purposeful mind. We must first recognize there is a choice for every life circumstance we encounter. Next, we must exercise our choices, attempting to make the most loving choice possible. We must be willing to accept the consequences of our choices (good or bad), and be brave enough to continue to move forward choosing the greatest good again and again.

anthony webb

8/16/2013 03:40:34 pm

first no one will change if they don't see a reason to it also true for the amount of change it hard to use just bible readings and prayer if the person first see the truth that we have hope to be with God in the end I see the church playing a bigger role with the younger leadership movie nigh go to games there need to be many ways to attack the mind a person is what he has experience in his life time so that has to be broken down and replace with principles for church growth

waylin brandon

8/17/2013 08:10:27 am

I think people start to change by realizing decisions in their life aren't helping there life . For instance my life as a young man was focused on having fun partying and sometimes criminal mistakes . But at some point I realized my way of doing things was messed up . So I prayed to God for help in dealing with these problems I had created . And with a dedicated effort to read my bilbe and communicate with God many blessings then started to occur in my life . but to bring on change you first have to admit things are not working out and do something about it. and that's where my lord and savior helped out to move on from those past mistakes and focus on what is most important in life, loving myself and those around me to make a better future for myself and others.

Kristin Northrup

8/18/2013 12:53:01 pm

Sorry if this is a cliche, but I have found that these steps apply to so much more than stopping drinking:
1) Admit that we need change
2) Believe that a greater power can change us
3) Make a decision to turn our will and our life over to God
4) Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5) Admit to God, and another human, our wrongs
6) Be ready to have God to change us
7) Humbly ask God to change us
8) Make a list of people we have harmed (pause, pray)
9) Make amends to those we have harmed
10) Continue to make a personal inventory and when wrong, admit
11) Seek though prayer to improve contact with God, knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out
12) Having had a spiritual awakening, try to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I'm sorry if anyone is offended by the way I shortened the steps or adopted them, but I think that they are really adaptable to all sorts of problems and they are a proven way to change our lives!

eric

8/19/2013 02:31:54 pm

The steps so totally rock! I think they have been a good guideline in my life

Julie

8/19/2013 01:00:08 am

Change typically occurs when a person hits a place in their respective life that just no longer works for them. At such time, they must surrender the control over their own life and submit to a power higher than their own, which has failed them. They must recognize that change is hard, it is real, it hurts and there are always systems in place in the previous life that wants to draw them back into their old ways, but to hold steady and trust in change, allow God to handle the fear and doubts and see the fruits of a better life. People rarely change unless circumstances present that literally make them change or face destruction of family, reputation, job, finances, etc...

Ronald B

8/19/2013 01:16:36 pm

As Glen indicated the first step and overly simplified way is to stop doing what it is you want changed. Add the complexities of daily life, worldly influences of family and friends you quickly discover that change has to be God directed. God has to help direct and order our steps and behaviors. Just as God struck Saul on his way to Damascus, change was started as God directed. Saul would have continued on his persecution had God not directed his change. While most of us will not have the same life altering experience that Saul had we have to seek Him out for his guidance and let Him direct us. Fear, apathy, laziness, ambivalence, and resistance are not a part of God's plan and will not interfere with His ultimate desire for change within His followers.

Hope that this helps.

Eric Johnson

8/19/2013 03:03:10 pm

The How of Change. The light of Christ comes into the world. People recognize the light, when they see it. It is manifested in every good thing. As people choose to lay a hold of the good, the light grows within them. The same people seek greater and greater light and knowledge from God. As they grow closer to God, the distinction between good and evil grows stronger. They choose between the good and the evil. In choosing good, they draw nearer to God and can feel and recognize him more clearly. If they choose evil, they do so at a point in their life where the choice is clearer. If they choose evil, after knowing Christ intimately, the pain of sin is much greater. If they reject God further, darkness comes. They forget what they once knew. Their mind becomes darkened. Their countenance falls. They become miserable. The atonement of Christ knows perfect love and extends unto all mankind. If a person falls, the way is prepared that they can choose to draw unto Christ once again. However strong the pain of sin, the joy of redemption is stronger.
In accounting there is a law called the “opportunity cost.” It goes like this. If I buy a 40$ video game, I forgo the opportunity to buy a 40$ sneaker. Therefore, the video game cost 40$ + a opportunity of a pair of sneakers.
Our personal growth is similar. If we choose to keep our favorite sin we have spent the cost of acquiring the sin (time, money, dignity, agency) + the opportunity to come closer to Christ.
As you know, I am LDS. One of my favorite lines from the Book of Mormon comes when an old King seeks to learn about God, he says, “O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee.”
Change occurs when we give up our favorite sins and take a step toward Christ.

eric

8/19/2013 03:08:31 pm

Thanks for the opportunity to respond. It is weird how I always learn when I answer a question.

Eric Dishongh

8/20/2013 11:57:28 pm

I would like to thank everyone for their comments! They have been extremely helpful! I am teaching a course at Amridge University entitled, "Counseling for Change." I'll keep you posted on how I've utilized these insights! Thanks again!

Matt Allison

8/21/2013 03:17:03 am

I this an extremely important question, particularly for Christians. It gets to the heart of why people get counseling: they want things to be different. How do we change, or, how do we grow? I think theology is the place to start and having an attitude of dependence on God and recognizing that it's ultimately His work. "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow" (I Cor. 3:6-7). I believe grace and an environment of acceptance is key for growth and change. Cloud and Townsend (Christian counselors) wrote a great book that speaks to this topic, How People Grow.

Eric Dishongh, PhD

Archives

Categories