Eric Dishongh, PhDConnecting others to Jesus and His church as a husband, dad, minister, counselor, professor and friend Archives
July 2016
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On July 4, 1776, John Adams signed the Declaration of Independence, which includes the patriotic words:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." As you enjoy this 4th of July holiday with family, food, and fireworks, I hope you also appreciate the sacrifice that occurred in order for us to enjoy this freedom. On the day before he signed the Declaration of Independence, John Adams wrote the following letter to his wife Abigail: "The [fourth] day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable Epocha, in the History of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shows, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more. You will think me transported with Enthusiasm but I am not. I am well aware of the Toil and Blood and Treasure, that it will cost Us to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these States. Yet through all the Gloom I can see the Rays of ravishing Light and Glory. I can see that the End is more than worth all the Means. And that Posterity will triumph in that Days Transaction, even altho We should rue it, which I trust in God We shall not." It took the original pilgrims two months to travel those 3,500 dangerous miles across the Atlantic Ocean to escape religious oppression and to search for economic prosperity. They were seeking a new life because they felt trapped in Europe. They came all the way across the water in order to begin their new life. Several years later, the Colonists fought the "War of Independence" to ensure their continued freedom as Americans. It's one thing to have freedom as Americans. But, it's something entirely different to have freedom as Christians! "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death."-- Romans 8:1-2 When it comes to becoming a Christian, the spiritual war of independence has already been fought with the toil and blood of Jesus. He died on the cross and conquered death and rose on the third day out of the grave. If we want to experience this new life, we have to come into contact with the blood of Jesus. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."-- Romans 6:1-7 Since spiritual freedom is for those who are in Christ, you want to make sure that you are actually "in Christ." The Bible records the story of an Ethiopian man becoming a Christian so that he could experience the freedom of a new life in Christ: "Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning at this Scripture, preached Jesus to him. Now as they went down the road, they came to some water. And the eunuch said, ‘See, here is water. What hinders me from being baptized?’ Then Philip said, ‘If you believe with all your heart, you may.’ And he answered and said, ‘I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.’ So he commanded the chariot to stand still. And both Philip and the eunuch went down into the water, and he baptized him. Now when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord caught Philip away, so that the eunuch saw him no more; and he went on his way rejoicing."-- Acts 8:35-39 It's one thing to enjoy the life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but it's something completely different to enjoy eternal life, eternal liberty, and eternal happiness! You don't have to go all the way across the water to be saved, but you do need to go all the way under! What is hindering you from being baptized into Christ? My life purpose is to connect people to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out on spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels.
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Balancing Thanksgiving and Christmas11/25/2015 I woke up this morning in a bit of a panic and asked the Mitz, “When does the Elf on the Shelf go out?"
It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and I'm already worried about Christmas. It’s probably because we have Christmas decorations already setup at our house. Or maybe it’s because my in-laws already have their tree up. Or it might be that my parents have already bought and wrapped all of the presents for their grandkids (and hopefully kids too!). Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm not a fan of shopping. However, the day after Thanksgiving is when I get excited about shopping. When I was younger (and dumber), I remember standing in line all night at Wal-Mart trying to buy the latest and greatest game set with the hopes of turning around and making a profit on eBay. I did the math and I think I made $1.50 an hour for my efforts! I also remember standing outside at Toys-R-Us for several hours on Thanksgiving night to buy a toy four-wheeler for Brayden. That was definitely well worth the time and energy! These days, I mostly like looking at the newspaper on Thanksgiving day to see the Black Friday sales at Jos. A Bank. All of that is part of the holiday fun, and there's nothing wrong with hurrying and scurrying on Thanksgiving night or Black Friday. The problem comes in when we end up living every day of our lives focused on the next best thing that we don't currently have. Instead of always rushing to get what we want, let's slow down and be thankful for what we already have. As I try to help people deal with their problems, I often talk about the “attitude of gratitude” and how that can shift our focus away from being upset about what/who we don't have and towards being thankful for what/who we do have. This “attitude of gratitude” is needed every day, not just during the Thanksgiving holiday. God promises in Scripture that he will provide for our needs as we seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (see Matthew 6:25-34). Since that's the case, we have many blessings to count on a daily basis! And it's not wrong to want more out of life and more out of others, but we have to make sure our prayer requests to God have an “attitude of gratitude” attached to them, as expressed in Philippians 4:6-7… “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Happy Thanksgiving! My life purpose is to connect people to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out in spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels.
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I just finished reading Shirley Parram Sims’ book You Don’t Know My Story, an autobiography chronicling her childhood experiences of abuse, neglect, and rejection and how they later impacted her adult relationships and quest to be loved and accepted…
I first met Mrs. Shirley in 2009 in conjunction with my involvement with Creative Family Solutions. At the time, she was beginning “Alpha Daughters of Zion,” a nonprofit organization for victims of domestic violence (which includes the only emergency shelter in St. Charles Parish). For the past several years, the program has grown significantly, including continual support from the United Way of St. Charles and other local supporters... While reflecting on her mother’s betrayal, Mrs. Shirley writes, “It is a hurting thing when the people whom you expect to protect you make you feel like you are at fault instead of the person who is causing the problem” (p. 46). She later says, “As a child, I remember I was never a part of anything, never felt wanted, never listened to, never being heard or seen. My life was nonexistent. It’s just like one day I opened my eyes and there I was. I came from nowhere and was going nowhere. Nowhere from nowhere equals nowhere” (p. 54)... I’m thankful, though, that Mrs. Shirley’s story doesn’t end there. Rather, she’s living proof that people who have come from “nowhere” can end up "somewhere" in life... To do so certainly requires faith in God and forgiveness of others... I recommend You Don’t Know My Story. More information can be found here: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-68118-798-3... Also, if you or someone you know in St. Charles Parish (or surrounding area) is currently in a domestic violence situation with nowhere to turn, call Mrs. Shirley at 985-308-0819 or email her at [email protected]. She’ll provide a safe place for you. And, she’ll listen to your story as well... Finally, if I can be of help to you, please let me know. My life purpose is to connect people to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out on spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels.
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![]() In an attempt to “try to be cool,” I thought it would be a great idea to have a “Labor Day Lock-in” last night for the Hickory Knoll church youth group (I’m currently reliving my youth minister days as I’m “holding down the fort” until a new youth minister arrives- whoever you are, please get here soon!). Lock-ins always seem to go smoother (and quicker) when there’s some type of evening activity to break up the monotony of being in a church building all night. I had heard about a Christian movie just released called War Room. I didn’t know anything about it except that it would be youth group friendly and that it would take up two hours of lock-in time! I won’t share all the details or ruin the ending (I highly recommend the movie- go see it!), but the movie is basically about a marriage trying to get back on track. There’s one line that has been resonating with me. It’s a thought that has helped me. It’s a thought that will hopefully help you as well. It’s a thought that’s relevant for this Labor Day holiday. While reflecting on her crumbling marriage and her husband’s big time salary, the wife says, “I’d rather have a good marriage than more money.” Let that “lock-in” for a few moments. Labor Day is a time that we take a break from all our hard work. It’s a day to rest and reflect on how thankful we are for our jobs. Although we definitely need to work and provide for our families, there is a possibility that we are more focused on making more money than we are providing for our families. Making more money is not a bad thing. That’s what all the financial experts say to do, especially when you’re trying to get out of debt and one day retire. I’m by no means thinking about the people doing the best they can to make ends meet, to put the food on the table, and to pay the bills. I’m thinking about the people who work so much that they don’t have time for their families. Not because they’re trying to provide for them, rather because they don’t want to be around them. It’s as if they’d rather to have more money than a good marriage. The Bible says, “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows” (I Timothy 6:10). The Bible also says, “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). When a husband and a wife love and respect each other, they will have a good marriage- regardless of what kind of jobs they have and regardless of how much or little money they make. So, enjoy your day off. You’ve worked hard. You deserve it. More importantly, though, enjoy your spouse. And enjoy your family. They deserve it. Let’s not be so “locked-in” to making more money that we lose our marriage and children along the way! My life purpose is to connect people to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out on spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels.
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One thing’s for certain: Summer has ended, and school has begun!
Summertime is filled with relaxing, sleeping in, playing video games, watching TV, swimming, playing outside, going on vacations, and a bunch of other fun stuff that has nothing to do with homework, tests, essays, projects, Common Core, or anything else academic! I’m sure you’ve seen on social media hundreds of smiling faces of kids excited about their first day of school (Don’t worry, Breanna’s first day of kindergarten picture is coming soon!), but it doesn’t take long for those smiles to turn to frowns. And it doesn’t take long for that excitement to turn to stress. Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a FINS panel meeting in St. Charles Parish. FINS is an acronym for “Families In Need of Services.” This panel is composed of representatives from the Judges, District Attorney, Sheriff, Public Schools, Department of Children and Family Services, State Probation, and other groups. The big idea is to provide counseling (shameless plug here for Creative Family Solutions: www.cfshope.org), mentoring, and/or other services for children “who have gotten in a little bit of trouble,” as an attempt to help them stay out of the juvenile justice system. As I listened to the children and parents tell their stories, I was reminded (and saddened) about the amount of abuse, abandonment, anxiety, and anger that there is in the world. For those of you in the FINS system, please know that everyone is pulling for you and is working together to help you stay focused and stay out of trouble! I know, though, that most of you reading this have never appeared before the FINS panel! And, that, of course, is a good thing! But, I know that each family has its unique struggles and challenges, many of which are exasperated during the school year. Here are five practical suggestions for children (and parents) to make this a great school year: 1. Eat Right: Some children yell at their parents in the morning. Some children can’t stay still at 11am. Some children can’t concentrate at the end of the school day. Some children fuss about doing homework after they get off the bus. What do all of these have in common? It’s possible that each of these situations deal with hunger. Obviously, other issues may be present, but make sure that your children are eating breakfast, lunch, healthy snacks, supper, and a bedtime snack. 2. Exercise Regularly: This will look differently for each child, depending on their age. It may be football, baseball, volleyball, gymnastics, soccer, or simply playing outside in the yard. But, the bottom line is this: kids need to be off the sofa and doing something that requires movement! 3. Enjoy Rest: Some children need naps, others don’t. But, everyone needs rest. There needs to be a set time during the school year for bedtime and waking up. Although weekends will vary slightly, most children function better when they are getting the same amount of sleep each night. 4. Expect Realistically: Let’s face it: All parents have high expectations for their children. However, sometimes our expectations are not all that realistic and need to be adjusted. Children are not perfect and make mistakes- many of them. There needs to be clear expectations and consistent consequences (both positive and negative); however, just make sure that you’re not living vicariously through your children. Love them for who they are, including their unique talents and interests. 5. Everyday Routines: Children function better with schedules. Obviously, flexibility is needed for each day, but as a whole, the school year needs to be filled with daily schedules that include wake-up time, breakfast, getting dressed, going outside for the bus, getting off the bus, homework, play time, supper, bath time, family devotionals, bedtime, etc. Hopefully, these practical suggestions will be helpful to you and your children! And, hopefully, your children will stay out of trouble and away from FINS! One last thing: You may not be a Family In Need of Services, but we are all a part of Families In Need of a Savior! In the same way that Jesus has shown us love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness, we need to show each of these to our children as well! “My soul magnifies The Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.”—Luke 1:46-47 My life purpose is to connect people to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out on spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels.
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The year was 1997. Ed Reed was a senior at Destrehan High School in St. Charles Parish, Louisiana. I was a junior.
Throughout my entire my life up to that point, baseball meant everything to me. It was my life. I started playing baseball when I was six years old and had several accomplishments along the way. From age 10 to 15, I played All-Stars each year. Our recreation team won the parish championship when I was 14, and I was one of two 7th graders who started at Harry Hurst Middle School. I played Metro baseball for a couple of summers and by my sophomore year, I had made the varsity team at Destrehan as a reserve second baseman. By the time my junior year rolled around, though, it was becoming obvious that I would not start at second base. Head coach Stephen Weber and I had a talk. He said, “Eric, why don’t you try playing third base?” I reluctantly agreed knowing that starting there was also a long shot. At one of our practices, I was taking reps with a couple of other guys at third base. All the sudden, I see Ed Reed leaving the track and making his way to the baseball field. During his senior year, Ed Reed had a “last blast” attitude in which he played as many sports as possible, including football, basketball, track and now, evidently, baseball. With a big smile on his face, Coach Weber immediately says, “Ed, grab a bat!” On the first pitch, Ed hits a ball over my head at third base (I know that’s not saying much!), and I turn around to watch it go as far over the left field fence than I had ever seen before. With shock and amazement of how far he just hit that baseball, I look over to the shortstop and say, “Hey man, what position does Ed play?” The shortstop quickly replied, “Third base!” At that moment, I finally came to the realization that my original dream of starting on the varsity team and later playing baseball in college (and even the pros) was nothing more than a childhood fantasy! I decided to retire from baseball! That was an extremely painful decision. I didn’t know what was next. I just knew that baseball was over. Within a short amount of time, however, I was able to pursue other opportunities since I was no longer playing baseball, including serving as a summer intern minister and later going to Harding University to major in Bible and Religion. And the rest is history. I’m reminded of the saying, “When one door shuts, another opens.” This was certainly true in my life. The Bible says, “Now when they had come and gathered the church together, they reported all that God had done with them, and that He had opened the door of faith to the Gentiles.”—Acts 14:27 I’m also reminded that not every kid is going to have a Hall of Fame career like Ed Reed! With that in mind, instead of me simply dumping all my extra money in my children’s sports in the hopes that they will one day get a scholarship and “go pro” like Ed Reed, it’s probably a better idea to continue putting money away for their college education! Enjoy your retirement, Ed! I know that I’ve enjoyed mine!
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The soon-to-be released movie Fifty Shades of Grey has resulted in much awareness pertaining to sexual abuse within relationships. The supporters of the movie would say that this is simply sex between two consenting adults, not abuse, and that this is simply a story about an average woman’s fantasy with an exceedingly above average man. However, the National Center on Sexual Exploitation thinks differently: “The Fifty Shades of Grey book series and franchise promote torture as sexually gratifying and normalize domestic violence, particularly violence against women. This type of material cultivates a rape and sexual violence culture and is now permeating our society” (http://endsexualexploitation.org/fiftyshadesgrey/). Blogger Matt Walsh agrees as demonstrated by his recent article titled, “To the Women of America: 4 Reasons to Hate 50 Shades of Grey” (http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/07/25/women-america-4-reasons-hate-50-shades-grey/).
Although sexual abuse against women is a prevalent problem that needs to be addressed in today’s society, I believe there is a much more prevalent problem in today’s relationships, including Christian marriages: emotional abuse. I wrote the following “research paper” a few years ago in which I addressed the topics of emotional abuse and biblical submission from the perspective of a Christian therapist. It’s a bit lengthy, but I’m hoping it can be helpful to you… Abuse within marriage is a phenomenon that negatively affects families, so therapists need to be prepared to effectively treat clients with abuse as a presenting concern. However, the abuse literature is skewed towards physical abuse and away from emotional abuse. This can be explained by the difficulty in defining and measuring emotional abuse (Hines & Malley-Morrison, 2005). Furthermore, the literature concerning emotional abuse within Christian homes is lacking because of the embarrassment of wives and the difficulties concerning the biblical topic of submission. In Battered into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home, Alsdorf & Alsdorf (1989) meticulously explain the prevalence of abuse in Christian marriages and the reinforcing roles of the church in the continuation of violence. Wives are often encouraged to submit to their husbands with intent that the abuse would cease (Lundquist, 2001; Collins, 1988). In an attempt to be consistent with the Bible, Christian friends and church leaders encourage wives to endure suffering as Christ experienced on the cross (Ruether, 1995) and to “go back home, to be more submissive and loving, and not to do things that stir up trouble” (Strom, 1986, p. 51). Alsdorf & Alsdorf (1989) write, “Those who endorse a wife’s remaining in the home until the abuse becomes “severe,” and those who would not consider violence as a justification for breaking the marriage commitment, appear to hold the primacy of marriage commitment over the sanctity of a woman’s life” (p. 158). What does the Bible say about power and authority in marriage? Should the notion of wifely submission be abandoned? What is an appropriate biblical definition of submission? These questions are not easily answered. In fact, congregations within the same religious organizations are not always in harmony with the issue of submission (Christianity Today, 1999). With this in mind, this paper will discuss the two prevalent interpretations of submission in the Bible; identify emotional abuse patterns within Christian homes; and provide treatment strategies to assist Christian couples in which emotional abuse is present. Theological Construct of Submission The church has difficulty with abuse in the home, especially with emotional abuse. A distorted understanding of submission results in the Christian husband thinking he is the tyrant in the family (Collins, 1988). An examination of the biblical literature is needed to counter these distortions. There are two prominent interpretations concerning the biblical notion of submission. Wifely Submission Wifely submission is the interpretation which historically has been the most popular. Biblical passages such as Ephesians 5:23 and I Peter 3:7 are utilized for support. Wifely submission entails the wife submitting to her husband, and the husband not submitting to his wife. The husband is the “head of the house” just as Christ is the head of the church. In the Bible, the following six references of submission to principal authorities are mentioned (Douglas & Tenney, 1987): God, (Hebrews 5:9), parents (Ephesians 6:1), teachers (Proverbs 5:12-13), masters (Ephesians 6:4), government (Romans 13:1-7), and husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24). These relationships are never reversed (Grudem, 1994). For example, parents are never told to be submissive to children; governments are never told to be submissive to citizens; and husbands are never told to be submissive to wives. When a conflict regarding submission exists, Christians are commanded to “obey God, not men” (Acts 5:29). Wives are not to submit to husbands when he desires for to quit doing God’s will (Overton, 1991). In a similar way that children should only obey their parents when acting in accordance to Christian mandates, the same holds true for wives submitting to their husbands. The wife’s submissive relationship to her husband can be compared to the Son’s submissive relationship to the Father. God the Father and Jesus are equal in deity and husbands and wives are equal in personhood; however, the roles are different (Grudem, 1994). The husband’s role as head of the house does not imply that the wife is not equally intelligent or capable as a person (Overton, 1991). From the example of Christ submitting to the Father (Philippians 2:6), submission does not imply superiority of husbands nor inferiority of wives (Bellizi, 1996). Rather, the husband serves as a servant leader in the home. The Lord established the wife’s role of submission for the protection of women and the harmony of the home (Christenson, 1970). The husband’s authority is expressed through protection from satanic ploys and the facilitation of a powerful prayer life and service to the family and others. Traditionally, this is expressed through being the breadwinner, making major decisions, controlling finances, and disciplining children. However, submission does not necessitate complete passivity and non-decision making on the wife’s part (Grudem, 1994). The wife plays an active role in the midst of her husband’s loving and considerate leadership. In Proverbs 31, the worthy woman displayed “managerial finesse” (Bellizzi, 1996), which demonstrates an interaction with working inside and outside of the home. Even within the wifely submission paradigm, there must be a distinction between submission and servility (Christenson, 1970). The wife is not a slave, and the husband is not a master. If this were the case, the husband/wife relationship would have been elaborated upon by Paul’s admonition to masters and slaves (Ephesians 6). When wives exude a godly submission in the home, Winkler (1978) points out that wives will be like: Sarah, who respected her husband (I Peter 3:6); Elizabeth, who was righteous with her husband (Luke 1:5-6); Manoah’s wife, who maintained a sacred togetherness with her husband (Judges 13:14); Rachel, who desired motherhood and encouraged her husband (Genesis 30:1, 31:16); Ruth, who was a good in-law to her husband’s parents (Ruth 1); and Priscilla, who was a helper to her husband (Acts 18:24-28). Mutual Submission In response to the wifely submission interpretation, mutual submission has fostered popularity within the past century. As feminism fostered in the twentieth century, the idea of unique male leadership in marriage plummeted (Grudem, 2002; Sphar & Smith, 2003). Mutual submission suggests that wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to submit to their wives. The chain-of-command perspective is not a biblical or psychological pattern for marriage (Alsdorf & Alsdorf, 1989). Several writers (Balswick & Balswick, 2004; Whipple, 1987; Marshall, 2004; Sphar & Smith, 2003) maintain that wifely submission is expressed under the umbrella of mutual submission. Paul’s writing occurred in the context of first century Rome, in which patriarchy was the norm and slavery was a vibrant aspect of society. Thus, the commands of children obeying parents, slaves obeying masters, subjects obeying rulers, and wives obeying husbands were parallel with the standard relationships of the day. However, today families “live within different structures and recognize a need for change from the first-century structures as a result of our continuing evaluation of society in the light of the gospel” (Marshall, 2004, p. 190). For example, the principle of submission pertaining to slaves and masters has been adjusted for contemporary relationships with employees and employees; however, Christian scholars today agree that slavery is not an acceptable aspect of society. Similarly, adjustments are needed within the relationship of wives and husbands. Since wives are not typically twelve to fifteen years younger than their husbands and since marriages are no longer arranged (Marshall, 2004), submission will manifest itself differently than in the first century. As wives and husbands love and respect each other, submission is no longer presumed as a one-way tract. Behaviors often associated with mutual submission include the following: dialoguing about disagreements; honoring differences; communicating honestly; parenting together; admitting mistakes; becoming aware of personal faults; and apologizing (Balswick & Balswick, 2004). Proponents of mutual submission suggest that those who claim wifely submission only are most likely symbolic, not actual (Griffith & Harvey, 1998; Balswick & Balswick, 2004). A faithful Christian wife is “submissive” to her husband in her language; however, in her actions, she utilizes persuasion, influence, and occasionally manipulation to obtain what she desires. In other words, the behaviors associated with mutual submission are prevalent within families that claim mutual submission is the incorrect biblical interpretation of submission. In summary, there are valid arguments for both interpretations pertaining to submission. However, regardless which interpretation is chosen (this author favors wifely submission), neither wifely submission only nor mutual submission justifies the emotional (or physical) abuse of husbands to their wives. There is no example in the Bible that permits the “head of the house” to be abusive to his wife (Strom, 1986). The feminist movement and anger of women in general is rightfully justified not because of God’s plan for marriage, rather because of the unchristian treatment of wives by husbands (Hobby, 2000). Husbands who justify their abuse with the biblical account of submission have ignored the surrounding verses of the submission passages (i.e. Ephesians 5:21-33). The responsibilities of a Christian husband include loving, sanctifying, washing, cleansing, glorifying, nourishing, cherishing, and cleaving (Thomas, 2000). Husbands cannot simultaneously abuse their wives and maintain all of these responsibilities. In her comments pertaining to the husband’s role of loving his wife as Christ loved the church, Whipple (1987, p. 255) says, “Contrasting this exhortation to self-sacrificing love with the brutal tyranny of her husband be a real eye opener.” A Misunderstanding of Submission Resulting in Emotional Abuse An insensitive, authoritarian approach to submission is not supported by Scripture (Bellizzi, 1996), although emotional abuse is often justified by a misunderstanding of submission (Lundquist, 2001). An abusive husband “sees his easy chair as his throne, his television remote control as his scepter, and his house as his personal castle” (Sphar & Smith, 2003, p. 181). Despite the husband’s responsibility to love his wife as Christ loved the church, husbands typically possess non-Christ attributes (chauvinistic, manipulative, etc.). As previously mentioned, emotional abuse is difficult to define and measure, especially within Christian homes. However, there have been some valiant efforts in attacking this dilemma. The following section of this paper will discuss two prominent models of classifying emotional abuse. The first section identifies Murphy and Echardt’s (2005) four types of psychological abuse, and the second section identifies Garbarino and Eckenrode’s (1997) six types of behaviors associated with psychological maltreatment. There is some overlapping between the two lists; however, they are both worthy of consideration. Within each description, this author provides ideas directly related to emotional abuse within Christian homes, which is often a manifestation of a misunderstanding of submission. Dominance/Intimidation Dominance/intimidation “involves behaviors that share similarities to physical assault and appear intended to produce fear or submission in the partner” (Murphy & Echardt, 2005, p. 15). Threats and intimidating looks are apart of this category. Interpersonal problems are at the core of this form of emotional abuse. In the name of submission, churches have the tendency to reinforce husbands’ dominance and wives’ passivity and/or dependency (Whipple, 1987). In Christian marriages, dominance/intimidation is the most common form of emotional abuse utilized by husbands. “Submit” or “submission” are the words most frequently expressed. The Apostle Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-24). A husband whose masculine security is directly related to his wife’s level of submission has ultimately, and ironically, surrendered control to his wife (Balswick & Balswick, 2004)! A disobedient or noncompliant wife questions the husband’s ability to be controlling, which leaves him in a desperate situation. Denigration Denigration “involves belittling, critical, and humiliating acts intended to attack or damage the partner’s sense of self-worth” (Murphy & Echardt, 2005, p. 16). This form of abuse creates long-term detrimental effects on the partner’s self-esteem. Interpersonal problems are also at the core of this form of emotional abuse. Denigration is the result and continuation of the misunderstood biblical notion of submission. The Bible says, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (I Peter 3:7). The “weaker partner” or “weaker vessel” is utilized by husbands to create notions of powerful self-worth and as a result weak self-worth for wives. Restrictive Engulfment Restrictive engulfment “involves efforts to track and monitor the partner’s whereabouts and isolate the partner from important social contacts or self-enhancing activities” (Murphy & Echardt, 2005, p. 16). The intent is to increase the partner’s dependency and to eliminate potential threats of sexual faithfulness. Intrusiveness and a fear of abandonment characterize restrictive engulfment. In an admonition of older women providing guidance for younger women, the Apostle Paul writes, “Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:4-6). “To be busy at home” creates justification on the husband’s perspective that the wife should live in isolation from society and self-enhancing activities. Hostile Withdrawal Hostile withdrawal involves “aversive escape or avoidance behaviors intended to help the abuser ignore the partner’s concerns and punish the partner through withdrawal of attention or affection” (Murphy & Echardt, 2005, p. 16). This results in a heightened sense of insecurity and anxiety in the relationship. Interpersonal avoidance and coldness characterize hostile withdrawal. In a passage intended to strengthen marital relationships, the Apostle Paul writes, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (I Corinthians 7:3-5). Spurning Spurning is the first major type of psychological maltreatment (Garbarino & Eckenrode, 1997). It is characterized by hostile rejecting and/or degrading which is expressed to the loved one either verbally or nonverbally. Examples include belittling, ridiculing for normal emotions such as affection and grief, and public humiliation. Spurning is probably the most prevalent amongst Christian couples. By abusing biblical scriptures (Ephesians 5, I Peter 3, Titus 2, etc.), Christian husbands have the capability of spurning their wives with a clean conscience. Examples of Christian spurning are “you need to submit and obey me” and “I am the head of this house.” As a result, wives are left questioning their self-worth as a Christian, wife, and individual. Public humiliation is not common, however, because the Christian husband desires for everyone else to believe that he has the perfect Christian mate. Terrorizing Terrorizing is the second major type of psychological maltreatment (Garbarino & Eckenrode, 1997). It is characterized by threatening behaviors that is conducive to hurting, killing, abandoning, and/or placing the loved one in dangerous situations. Examples include placing the loved one in unpredictable or chaotic circumstances, setting rigid or unrealistic expectations, and perpetrating violence against the loved one or someone close to him/her. Terrorizing is taking spurning to the next level of detriment. Although not as common as spurning, terrorizing is evident in Christian couples when the husband is struggling with emotional issues himself. There is no biblical justification whatsoever for threatening harm to a spouse. Setting rigid or unrealistic expectations is the most applicable within this category to abusive Christian husbands. For example, some husbands expect the wife to work all day; have dinner cooked; help the children with their homework; put them to bed; and then have energy for sex. Isolating Isolating is the third major type of psychological maltreatment (Garbarino & Eckenrode, 1997). It is characterized by behaviors that deny the loved one opportunity for interactions and communications with other people. Examples include placing unreasonable limitations on the loved one’s freedom within his/her environment and placing restrictive measures on social interactions. Isolating is more common than terrorizing amongst Christian couples. Utilizing biblical notions, the Christian husband attempts to keep his wife isolated. For example, a wife is not allowed to work or to have a “girl’s night out” because the husband is fearful that she may form relationships with others, including men, that would impede her ability to be a faithful spouse and caretaker of the home. Exploiting/Corrupting Exploiting/corrupting is the fourth major type of psychological maltreatment (Garbarino & Eckenrode, 1997). It is characterized by the encouragement of inappropriate behaviors. Examples include encouraging antisocial behavior; permitting developmentally inappropriate behavior; forcing abandonment of autonomy through intrusion or dominance; and restricting cognitive development. Exploiting/corrupting is not common within Christian marital relationships. A Christian husband desires for his wife and family to remain faithful to the Lord. Although he may incorrectly understand the biblical concept of submission, he realizes that antisocial behavior should not be tolerated. Thus, he would not encourage his wife to engage in prostitution, pornography, criminal activities, or substance abuse. Denying Emotional Responsiveness Denying emotional responsiveness is the fifth major type of psychological maltreatment (Garbarino & Eckenrode, 1997). It is characterized by ignoring the loved one’s need to interact and showing no emotional interaction. Examples include being detached due to incapacity or lack of motivation; interacting when necessary; and withholding affection from the loved one. Denying emotional responsiveness is problematic in Christian and non-Christian marital relationships. Men, in general, have difficulty grasping the need for emotional responsiveness (in most instances, they are not even aware of the need). Husbands have the tendency to be emotionally distant. This may be due to long work hours away from the home, continual television/internet usage while at home, or a variety of other reasons. For example, this type of husband would only express affection with the intention of sex. When the sex is denied by the wife, the husband would then begin other forms of maltreatment such as spurning or terrorizing. Mental Health, Medical, and Educational Neglect Mental health, medical, and educational neglect is the sixth major type of psychological maltreatment (Garbarino & Eckenrode, 1997). It is characterized by the failure to provide the necessary treatment in these areas. Examples include refusing to provide treatment for emotional/behavioral problems, serious physical health problems, and serious educational problems. This category is extremely applicable to families when the Christian husband is psychologically abusive. Emotional/behavioral problems with the wife are interpreted by “lack of faith” by the husband, thus treatment is not even considered. Rather, she needs to pray more, read the Bible more, and “be a better wife.” Medical neglect, however, is less common. A Christian husband recognizes the need for treatment for concerns such as colds, flu, or diseases such as cancer. Once the physical complaints turn into emotional ones, the husband no longer is concerned. Educational neglect is expressed by not allowing the wife to finish college or attend graduate school. The husband’s fear is that she will become less dependent upon him, and as a result, would more likely consider leaving him. Treatment Interventions The four concepts of emotional abuse identified by Murphy & Echardt (2005) and the six concepts identified by Garbarino & Eckenrode (1997) are prevalent amongst Christian marriages, especially when the husbands justifies his behavior by misapplying the concept of submission. In therapy, the therapist needs to adequately assess the levels of emotional abuse. “The high rate of undetected partner violence makes it imperative that all therapists assess for the possibility of domestic violence with every family they see” (Stith, 2000). If abuse is suspected, the therapist could distribute “The Revised Conflict Tactics Scale” (Straus, Hamby, Boney-McCoy, & Sugarman, 1996), which distinguishes between psychological aggression and physical assault. This is particularly important when physical abuse is not present. Typically, Christian husbands, especially those who serve as elders, deacons, and/or ministers, are more vulnerable to the abuse of biblical references concerning marital roles. As a result, the wife’s presenting concerns are manifestations of dominance, denigration, hostile withdrawal, restrictive engulfment, spurning, terrorizing, exploiting, denying emotional responsiveness, and/or neglect pertaining to health or education. The husband’s blanket responses to his wife’s complaints (which led to therapy) include “she doesn’t like to be submissive,” “she doesn’t like it when I put my foot down,” and “I am the head of the house.” These expressions, unfortunately, are the result of honest, God-fearing men who have misunderstood biblical scriptures. From this point, the therapist and the couple should sift through pertinent biblical passages (Ephesians 5, I Corinthians 7, I Peter 3, Titus 2, etc.) and notice these passages within their contexts. For example, in Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul admonishes the wives to submit to their husbands, but also for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If the love in this passage is manifested in a marital relationship, the couple would not be in therapy. Thus, the therapist’s role, through a psychoeducational process, is to provide insights as the couple understands these passages together. Some husbands maintain the notion that wives should be unquestioningly obedient in satisfying his every demand. If this does not occur, the husband has a God-given right to take whatever measure necessary to force compliance (Strom, 1986). To effectively engage Christian clients, including abused wives, therapy must encompass biblical notions that God is not pleased with abuse (Whipple, 1987). Therapy focuses on liberating the wife from the belief that she is the source of her husband’s abuse. To aid in this endeavor, the therapist provides time for the wife to read “For the Abused Woman” (Strom, 1986). The wife’s sense of self-worth and levels of self-esteem are grossly disturbed in the context of an emotionally abusive marriage. The therapist should pay careful attention to the husband’s verbal and nonverbal communication to ensure a safe environment as the wife engages in activities intended to heighten her self-worth and self-esteem. Conclusion In conclusion, this paper discussed the two prevalent interpretations of submission in the Bible; identified emotional abuse patterns within Christian homes; and provided treatment strategies to assist Christian couples in which emotional abuse is present. To effectively treat the couple, the therapist must engage the clients’ worldview concerning submission and marital roles, even if they differ from personal beliefs. Regardless of the interpretation concerning submission, the Bible never justifies emotional abuse. References Alsdorf, J. & Alsdorf, P. (1989). Battered into submission: The tragedy of wife abuse in the Christian home. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. Balswick, J.K. & Balswick, J.O. (2004). Marriage as a Partnership of Equals. In R.W. Pierce, R.M. Groothuis, & G.D. Fee (Eds.), Discovering biblical equality: Complementary without hierarchy (pp. 448-463). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. Bellizzi, F. (1996). The Principle of Submission. Spiritual Sword, 27(2), 31-34. Christenson, L. (1970). The Christian family. Minneapolis, MN: Bethany Fellowship. Collins, G.R. (1988). Christian counseling: A comprehensive guide. Dallas, TX: Word Publishing. Douglas, J.D., & Tenney, M.C. (Eds.). (1987). Obedience. In The new international dictionary of the Bible (pp. 716). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House. Garbarino, J., Eckenrode, J., & Bolger, K. (1997). The Elusive Crime of Psychological Maltreatment. In J. Garbarino & J. Eckenrode (Eds.), Understanding abusive families: An ecological approach to theory and practice (pp. 101-113). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Boss Publications. Griffith, M. & Harvey, P. (1998). Wifely Submission. The Christian Century, 115(19), 636-637. Grudem, W. (1994). Man as Male and Female. In Systematic theology: An introduction to biblical doctrine (pp. 454-471). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House. Grudem, W. (2002). The Myth of Mutual Submission as an Interpretation of Ephesians 5:21. In Biblical foundations for manhood & womanhood (pp. 221-222). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books. Hart, S.N., Brassard, M., & Carlson, H.C. (1996). Psychological Maltreatment. In J. Briere, L. Berliner, J. Bulkley, C. Jenny, & R. Reid (Eds.), The APSAC handbook on child maltreatment (pp. 72-89). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Hines, D.A. & Malley-Morrison, K. (2005). Family violence in the United States: Defining, understanding, and combating abuse. London: Sage Publications. Hobby, K. (2000). The Godly Woman in the Home. Course Notes. Harding University. Lundquist, M.P. (2001). Beaten into Submission. The Clergy Journal, 77(8),13-14. Marshall, I.H. (2004). Mutual Love and Submission in Marriage. In R.W. Pierce, R.M. Groothuis, & G.D. Fee (Eds.), Discovering biblical equality: Complementary without hierarchy (pp. 186-204). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. Murphy, C.M., & Eckhardt, C.I. (2005). Treating the abusive partner: An individualized cognitive-behavioral approach. New York: Guilford Press. Overton, B. (1991). The Principle of Submission. Spiritual Sword, 22(2), 4-7. Ruether, R.R. (1995). Religion and the Subjugation of Women. National Catholic Reporter, 31(13), 15. Sphar, A.R. & Smith, A. (2003). Helping hurting people: A handbook on reconciliation-focused counseling and preaching. New York: University Press of America, Inc. Stith, S.M. (2000). Clinical update: Domestic Violence. American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 2(3), 1-7. Strauss, M.A., Hamby, S.L., Boney-McCoy, S., & Sugarman, D.B. (1996). The Revised Conflict Tactics Scales (CTS2): Development and Preliminary Psychometric Data. Journal of Family Issues, 17(3), 283-316. Strom, K.M. (1986). In the name of submission: A painful look at wife battering. Portland, OR: Multhomah Press. Submission Rejected: State Convention counters SBC Marriage Statement. (1999). Christianity Today, 43(14), 27. Thomas, J.D. (2000). Greek Terms for Ephesians 5:21-31 Relating to Responsibilities of a Spiritual Husband. Course Notes. Harding University. Whipple, V. (1987). Counseling Battered Women from Fundamentalist Churches. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 13(3), 251-258. Winkler, W. (1978). The Relation of Husband and Wife Should Be Like That of Christ and the Church. In T.B. Warren (Ed.), Your marriage can be great (pp.264-280). Jonesboro, AR: National Christian Press, Inc.
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Some Thoughts for Election Day11/4/2014 In November 1992, just a few weeks after Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton had been elected to become the 42nd President of the United States, my family travelled to Batesville, Arkansas to spend Thanksgiving with my Grandma Zadine. Since Grandma didn’t want to cook for all of us, she decided to treat us to a "fancy" Thanksgiving lunch at the local restaurant.
After looking at the menu for a couple of minutes, Grandma looked up and asked the waitress, “Ma’am, do y’all have turkey today?” Without a moment’s hesitation, the waitress replied, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we just shipped the last one to Washington D.C.!” Everyone at the table was laughing with the exception of Grandma! She took offense at someone making fun of the man she had just voted for to become the next president of the United States! Here’s one thing that’s always perplexed me: How can Christians think so similarly when it comes to faith and values yet think so differently when it comes to politics? Recently, I conducted two Google searches. The first search was “Christian Republican.” In addition to the numerous things said against abortion and homosexuality, one “Christian Republican” wrote: “In short, when it comes to the way goods are created and distributed within a society, we ought to err on the side of those entities that are not given coercive authority by God: business, social services, the Church and a variety of other existing bodies. They aren’t perfect, and never will be. But for all the deception and sin that goes on within them, they lack the authority to coerce—and that is an important limitation... "Genuine liberty entails the responsibility of each to not only pursue his own welfare, but to recognize and respond to the needs of his neighbor, without the state having to tap him on the shoulder. My concern is simply that when the government becomes the solution to the erosion of our virtues, it will crowd out businesses that provide jobs and charities that provide both spiritual and material support. And in doing so, the remedy will prove more devastating than the disease.” (1) Like it or not, understand it or not, there are Republican Christians in the United States, and there are most likely Republican Christians in your local congregation. Then, I decided to Google “Christian Democrat.” I learned about an organization called Christian Democrats of America. Their tagline is “What are your values?” And, here’s a quote from their website: “Christian Democrats of America is an organization committed to reforming social injustices, being a voice for those without a voice, a community to those without a community, and changing the perception of Christian values in action worldwide- join us.” (2) Like it or not, understand it or not, there are Christian Democrats in the United States, and there are most likely Christian Democrats in your local congregation. Although these political realities often result in frustration and confusion, let’s remember what the Bible says: “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.” -- Romans 13:1-7 “Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.” -- I Timothy 2:1-4 When it comes to elections and voting, we need to do our part to always pray to the Lord, always obey His commands, and never compromise our faith and values. But, we can all rest peacefully tonight knowing that whether it’s the Republicans or Democrats or the Turkey, the Lord our God is the One who is ultimately always in control! My life purpose is to connect others to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out on spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels. (1) “Christian Republican”… http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/op-ed-blog/28192-why-i-am-a-christian-republican (2) “Christian Democrat”… http://www.christiandemocratsofamerica.org/
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Robin Williams, Depression and Suicide8/12/2014 The sudden death of Robin Williams has resulted in many reflections and opinions about his life, mental illness, personal choice, faith, etc. Although I will not fully attempt to explain my theory of depression, let me just say that depression is something that affects Christians and non-Christians. And furthermore, depression is not always due to a “lack of faith” or “personal sin.” I’m sure you have known of a faithful Christian who has struggled with depression. And, it’s likely that you have known of a faithful Christian who has committed suicide.
Several years ago, country singer Blaine Larsen released a popular song titled, How Do You Get that Lonely? The chorus includes the following: “How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad To make the call, that havin’ no life at all Is better than the life that you had? How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go? How do you get that lonely and nobody knows?” Sometimes suicide is a surprise; however, this is the exception, not the rule. Usually, someone knows. If someone has confided in you that they are thinking about committing suicide, it’s not something to take lightly. Although “some people are just looking for attention,” it’s far better to “play it safe than sorry.” Encourage them to keep talking to you. Encourage them to seek professional help. Encourage them to pray. Encourage them to read Scripture. Encourage them to go to church. Encourage them to spend time with others. Encourage them to enjoy God's sunshine. Also, pay attention to the warning signs that someone may be thinking about or planning to commit suicide (http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide)...
Finally, if you’re feeling depressed, there’s some things you need to know… Your God loves and cares for you. Your family loves and cares about you. Your church family loves and cares about you. And, I love and care about you. My life purpose is to connect others to Jesus and His church by providing a Christian example and by reaching out on spiritual, relational, academic, and community levels.
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![]() Today is Memorial Day in America. We do this each year to honor those who gave their lives in the fight for freedom and those who are currently fighting for our freedom. The American flag flies this weekend at the gravesites of those who served our country in a time of war. V.F.W. and American Legion Post members are conducting special services. They are decorating the graves of former soldiers and sailors. A different type of memorial, though, is discussed in Matthew 26:6-13… 6 And when Jesus was in Bethany at the house of Simon the leper, 7 a woman came to Him having an alabaster flask of very costly fragrant oil, and she poured it on His head as He sat at the table. 8 But when His disciples saw it, they were indignant, saying, “Why this waste? 9 For this fragrant oil might have been sold for much and given to the poor.” 10 But when Jesus was aware of it, He said to them, “Why do you trouble the woman? For she has done a good work for Me. 11 For you have the poor with you always, but Me you do not have always. 12 For in pouring this fragrant oil on My body, she did it for My burial. 13 Assuredly, I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be told as a memorial to her.” In this story, a woman does something for Jesus. Notice in verse 13, Jesus says, “what this woman has done will also be told as a memorial to her." We aren’t given her name in this Bible passage. However, John 12:1-8 tells us it was Mary. We know Mary as the sister of Martha and Lazarus. The disciples must have been surprised when Jesus said this. It doesn’t appear she did anything significant. All she did was pour out some expensive perfume on His head. We learn in John 12:5 that the perfume cost 300 denarii- an entire annual wage of a day worker. To put that in American dollars today, that would roughly be equal to someone working 40 hours a week earning the minimum wage of $7.25 per hour or about $15,000 before taxes. Now you can see why the disciples responded the way they did. They couldn’t believe it! What a waste. What was she thinking? Knowing the value of that perfume themselves, the disciples thought it would have been better used- by selling it and giving the money to help the poor. Just think how many poor could have been helped. Nonetheless, notice Jesus’ response in contrast to theirs. They thought it was a wasteful act! Jesus saw it as an extravagant act of love for Him. Even though selling the perfume and giving it to the poor would have been a good thing to do, what she did at that time was even better. Jesus says what she did will become a memorial to her. This perfume poured on Jesus was extremely valuable. Are you holding onto any bottles of perfume in your life? Is it your family? Could it be your possessions? Friends? Sinful relationships? What means more to you than Jesus? Jesus meant more to Mary than the perfume! God wants our memorial to be where people see and know that we love Jesus more than anything or any person. Mary was a person who deeply loved Jesus! That’s how I wish to be remembered! What about you? “Assuredly, I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what you have done will also be told as a memorial to you.”—Matthew 26:13 |